In yet another breathless press release from The Center for Freedom and Apple Pie today, I learned that the controversial RhodeMapRI plan will call for the incineration of your house. Right down to the ground.
Be afraid. Very afraid.
Yes, it’s true, your nice comfortable suburban house, the one you dreamed about for years, is to be sacrificed to build an affordable housing skyscraper in its place. The plan calls for you to be offered a semi-private apartment, since private apartments are to be phased out. But you won’t mind sharing the kitchen and bathrooms with your less fortunate neighbors. After all, you’ll be commuting together on public transportation, since the RhodeMapRI also envisions the end of private automobiles. Your car is to be taken via eminent domain and resold to UN bureaucrats, with the proceeds made available to help keep the subsidized birth-control vending machines full in the lobby of your new home.
For those late to this party, the Center for Freedom and Apple Pie has warned all of us about the impending danger to the state posed by “RhodeMapRI” an insidious plan to end capitalism hatched within the bowels of the Rhode Island Division of Planning. The official Rhode Island Tea Party similarly warns of the terrible peril, as do totally-100%-they-promise unaffiliated citizens like Colleen Conley and Gary Morse.
Just in time these citizen activists have alerted us to the dangers within. The jack-booted planners ensconced in a Smith Hill building made of — can you imagine! — pink marble, have gussied up their world-domination plans with such appealing catch-phrases as “sustainable development” and “affordable housing.” You might think their economic development plan looks like an appealing alternative to the plans of the past. You might be distressed that “economic development” has always seemed like a synonym for “give business whatever they want” and that it’s high time to see economic development plans that actually take everyone into account. You might even think that economic plans that emphasize sustainability are precisely what our state needs these days. But that’s because you’re just an ignorant patsy whose house is going to be burnt.
Remember, the only sensible government plans either benefit rich people or are completely ineffectual. Aren’t you glad to have such patriotic citizens as the folks at the Center for Freedom and Apple Pie to make sure that’s true? I know I am.
Friday night’s 
